If you have a child, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Walking into a store with a baby is very much like dropping a magnet into a pool of metal shards. Suddenly, there are people in your face, in your baby’s face, and they seem to all have a story to tell. Some stories are sweet and short, some stories are, well, not so sweet and seem destined to last until the world ends. And the touching! Why do people think it’s ok to paw at my baby’s face, hands, and other parts?! I mean, yes I know my baby is cute and I’m sure you’re a real nice person, but no I’m not ok with you fondling my little one! They can’t exactly fend you off at this point, so I will.
I’ve already mastered the art of the nod/smile/walk quickly backwards while defending my babes with my arms/legs/shopping cart. And the questions! With twins, I’ve been asked everything from ‘are they identical’ (no…they’re boy and girl…) to ‘did you use fertility treatments’ to ‘you had twins, on purpose?!’. (Ummm….really?!). Yes, walk into a Whole Foods with a double stroller and everyone looks at you as if you’re single handedly ruining everyone’s carbon footprint. (Hey, I breastfeed AND cloth diaper, thank you very much).
I have decided that an important part of parenting is How to Defend your Baby in a Public Place. Just the other day, my mom and I were checking out of a Natural Grocers, each carrying a baby. The cashier asked with an expression of shock, ‘how close did you have them together?! How far apart are they?! How did you do that?!’ I stood in stunned silence, thankfully my mom had the presence of mind to reply in cool tones, ‘They’re two minutes apart, they’re TWINS’. I know my boy is a little bigger than my girl, but not that much bigger for goodness sake! Yes lady, I got pregnant while 2 months pregnant and gave birth twice in a span of weeks. While I was processing all this, another cashier approached, arms out, repeatedly asking to hold my girl. Are you serious?! Lady I don’t know you from Adam no you can’t hold my baby! We checked out and almost ran backwards out of that store.
I will admit before babies I wasn’t very good at confrontation. However, having little ones who depend entirely on me for protection has done wonderful things for my backbone. While you might get away with offending me and invading my personal space, invade my kids space and my claws come out. My baby can’t tell you that you’re making them uncomfortable, or that they feel violated. So, until they’re old enough to tell people themselves, (so maybe 25?) I will absolutely be telling people for them.