Oh hey y’all, it’s been a hot minute since I wrote anything on here, life happened, (read on for more details on that) something had to give, and my blog did. I’m back though, this blog gives my heart such joy and it is my earnest hope and desire it brings joy to those who read it. I have met so many incredible mamas through this, and made so many precious friendships. Writing is also such a cathartic release for me, my creative soul has been feeling pretty suffocated lately and I am desperately trying to change things so it’s not so hard anymore. I saw a quote the other day that said something about if you don’t like your life then change it, and so I’m buckling my boots and getting to work on that.
Life happening the past couple months has consisted of work, being sick from work (as in CONSTANTLY SICK), a LOT of coffee and me tunneling into survival mode. Due to being sick I haven’t even been able to visit my sister in law after her kidney transplant, which has really made me sad. My hubby and I had slipped into “roommates” mode, you know y’all when life is so busy and you don’t tend to each other that can happen terrifyingly fast.
And then we had a false positive, I panicked, Brian was thrilled, the sweetheart, he’s amazing like that, and then right when I let my hear soar with excitement I found out at the less than empathetic urgent care the test was wrong. (And by less than empathetic I mean downright heartless. After spending two hours of waiting all by myself with the twins and trying to keep my wild little monkeys from licking all the terrifying germ covered surfaces at the clinic he barged in and unceremoniously. goes “MUST HAVE BEEN A SPONTANEOUS ABORTION”. It wasn’t, it was a false positive. BUT REGARDLESS my heart shattered right there and I wanted to simultaneously throw up, run away and sock him with his stethoscope, HARD).
And you know when you had no idea how badly you wanted something until you thought you had it and then you didn’t? Yeah. I was truly and utterly crushed. We weren’t even trying, and in full honesty I haven’t even been sure I wanted another one. Being a full time working mama with toddler twins and a husband in medical school is HARD. Bone. Crushing. Hard. It doesn’t mean I’m not grateful, but holy wow is it hard, through no fault of my husband I am rowing that single parent boat every day because he can’t be home that often and when he is he has to study, and the thought of adding another tiny one sent my panic through the roof. Until I thought another one was on the way. And then I ached for it. And I’ll admit I also I saw that third baby as maybe a way to stay home more, to work less, to have the postpartum experience I missed out on having with my precious twins since I had to go back to work so soon (three weeks postpartum!). But then I also started worrying, would another baby make it where I was even less present for my babies already here? I already feel they haven’t gotten enough of mommy, constantly dividing my attention makes me feel they never get enough.
And then I had started this new series of thrifted mama fashion on here and quickly disappeared and then I thought, WHY EVEN BOTHER. It’s felt ridiculous to justify dressing nicely and doing my makeup when all I do is wipe poopy bums shower and repeat and frankly I didn’t feel worth the effort. Add to this my general sense of failure due to the fact that I am a college graduate with a performance degree working as a non glorious nanny and this mama hasn’t been feeling so victorious.
But then I had a real come to Jesus moment mamas. I remembered that as a single income household we literally can’t break even paying for childcare for twins on my income alone, but even more importantly I chose to nanny so I could be with my babies that I had ached for for years. And I remembered I have a direct line to the man above, if my situation isn’t working and I’m this stressed, clearly He gives a toot and wants to help. If we decide we want more children, He cares. If I want to be home more with my children, He cares. And you know what else, HE CARES about us mamas feeling beautiful inside AND out. So I’m dusting off my stay at home mommy goals, buying a few more cans of dry shampoo and renewing my thriving instead of surviving efforts (and yes that includes charging after my thrifty mama series again!) And if it means wearing my super fun outfits to Costco for groceries then SO BE IT. Who says we can’t rock over the knee boots while shopping for broccoli and wearing a baby carrier?!
We are meant to thrive sweet mamas, not just survive. I’ll readily admit I’ve been doing quite a bit of surviving lately, quite a bit of misery and tears and aching heart, and yes even some self pity, and no I don’t have the whole thriving thing on perfect lockdown yet. But I’m working towards it and it’s going to happen. Because Jesus does love this hot mess (and thank Jesus for that!). 😂 Who’s with me mamas, let’s do this!